William McDonald
Subject: Shortly thereafter I graduated to climbing my dad¿s bookshelves, and then I set my sights on increasingly taller trees in the neighborhood.
Hey Will,
I just want you to know that I make a ton of nit-picky suggestions, some substantive. It's just what I do as I read these papers.
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Shortly thereafter I graduated to climbing my dad¿s bookshelves, and then I set my sights on increasingly taller trees in the neighborhood.
Drop the second "I". (see what i mean by "nit-picky"))
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On my first day of kindergarten, I pulled myself up the rope in P.E. class all the way to the ceiling of the gym. My classmates and teacher were boggled.
after "gym" add a comma and "boggling my classmates and teacher." Its more active.
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For me, climbing is much more than just a hobby; it is an all encompassing passion. It motivates me like nothing else ever has.
all-encompassing
also, you should write "...passion that motivates me like..." because that second sentence should be as closely related to "passion" as possible. I think it makes the point stronger and more clearly.
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Fully engaged in the rock, worries, stress, and other static cease to cloud my head and are replaced by a sense of clarity and happiness.
This sentence needs to be restructured to avoid confusion and make it more active. The first clause "Fully engaged in the rock" modifies "I" (although t is not in the sentence), but seems to modify "rock". A quick fix can drastically improve the sentence:
Fully engaged in the rock, I replace the worries, stress, and other static clouding my head with a sense of clarity and happiness.
however, this implies a more active process of replacing the static. I think you are going for the sense that the engagement in the rock causes this to happen. So, maybe this is better:
My full engagement in the rock replaces the worries, stress, and other static clouding my head with a sense of clarity and happiness.
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This feeling of exhilaration and mental clarity, coupled with my love of the outdoors, is the driving force behind my passion for rock climbing.
Instead of "is the driving force behind" just write "drives". It rocks harder.
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The second paragraph is good. Very zen. However, although I know the impression you are going for, I don't feel your sense of passion in the writing. Try adding more imagery and emotions and give this a really transcendental feel. I know you can do it! Here's an example of what you could do:
Instead of:
Just for a little while, my mind focuses solely on the rock, and I feel no stress about my exams.
Change "and i feel no stress about my exams" to something more airy and/or magical. For example:
"on the rock, intrusive thoughts about exams evaporate from my mind, my stress following closely behind."
Do something that suits you.
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My plan was to defer college admission for a year, and, along with my best friend, spend the time driving through North America climbing and taking in the land.
"taking in the land" is a flat expression. You should give it some LIFE.
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I could not find another willing partner, and, with my plans crushed, I resigned to attend UT Austin in the fall.
"resigned" doesn't really work. I tried for a minute to think of the right word, but I will defer that duty to you. Just know that "resigned to attend" is not the right word usage.
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I worried that I would feel guilt or regret after dedicating myself to such an egotistical pursuit.
It might not be "egotistical" as much as "isolationist".
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That was good, Will. I especially liked the last quote you chose.
Cheryl Joseph
When I was younger, I spent hours pretending I was a teacher.
I think you can do a few things to make your opening sentence have a lot more "spunk".
1. You might consider changing "When I was younger" to something more intriguing such as "As a _____ young girl,". You can fill in the blank with something that suits you best. You can even get really creative: "As a young, pigtailed girl with rosy cheeks and a precocious attitude,". At the very least, the change to "As a young girl" gets rid of that intrusive "I".
2. "pretending I was a teacher": first of all, you should have a "that" before "I". But, you can avoid the situation and make the sentence alot cleaner by rewriting this phrase as "pretending to be a teacher".
3. make the sentence more fun! did you just spend "hours"? or did you spend "endless marvelous hours"?
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My best friend, Jennifer, and I would go to her mother¿s elementary school classroom and argue over who qualified to be the teacher and who had the dreaded position of being the student.
1. You don't need quotes before and after "Jennifer" (but you would, if you wrote "Jennifer, my best friend, and I...").
2. try something more exciting than "go". How about "take over" or something that little girls do.
3. "qualified" doesn't really work in this context. You could say "argue over who was more qualified to be...". Or, you could try "argue to determine who would be awarded the esteemed teacher position and stuck with the dreaded role of student."
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Our other friend, Emily, would pout and beg us to play dress-up. If we would just switch to her game, everyone could be whatever they wanted to be.
1. again, drop the commas.
2. The first sentence might benefit from a stronger sense of context. Perhaps let us know where Emily is in the story. Also a small hint to introduce the second sentence with could help a lot. For example:
"Pouting during the few times she joined us, our other friend Emily would beg us to play the more democratic game of dress-up."
3. The second sentence could also be changed to transition more nicely. Also, making this an indirect quote could add some energy into the paragraph:
"That way, she touted, everyone could be whatever they wanted to be."
In this form, the sentence doesn't need quotation marks, because you are not directly quoting Emily. The ", she touted," just gives the sentence more character, since it indicates who is speaking.
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No amount of convincing, however, would suffice. We were stubborn.
1.Suffice to do what? Maybe append the sentence with "to change our stubborn eight-year-old minds."
2. Also, "We were stubborn" doesn't really explain why you wouldn't let poor Emily play her game. Why not take out that sentence (the "stubborn" bit being added on to the last sentence) and say something like, "We loved our imaginary classroom, regardless of it's inequities."
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Now I look back on those days of steadfast determination and decision with nostalgia and recognition that ¿time brings continuity and change, and amidst all of it, nostalgia has become a way of resisting its passage and the change it brings.¿
1. This should start a new paragraph.
2. "decision" doesn't work. You could either take it out or change it to "decisiveness".
3. possibly to avoid conflict with that "nostalgia" in the quote and use "wistfully" instead. (ill show you how after the next suggestion).
4. the phrase "with recognition" is awkward. perhaps you can restructure the sentence to avoid that:
Now I look back wistfully on those days of steadfast determination and decisiveness, and recognize that ¿time brings continuity and change, and amidst all of it, nostalgia has become a way of resisting its passage and the change it brings.¿
The comma is there to avoid confusion between the two "and"s. It is grammatically permissible in this case.
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My parents forced me to take the class during my sophomore year, and my friends watched with surprise as I become engrossed in the activity.
"the class" is ambiguous. designate which class you are talking about. also, i did not assume that you were in a debate class so far, so you might use "a" instead of "the". revision: "a debate class"
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Cheryl,
I liked your paper a lot. The different memories and events you weave together are all very powerful. However, I think you should try to make the focus of the paper more clear. Try defining your vision more ambitiously and closely connecting these events in your life to the process of creating this vision. For example, try explaining more concretely why your pretend teaching games influenced your vision. Perhaps if you stated your vision toward the beginning of your paper, like a thesis, your paper would flow better overall.
Some of the elements in this paper were distracting. For example, the parts about nostalgia at the beginning were not strongly connected to the primary purpose of the paper. Although I thought they were good, they might not be essential for your paper. Don't be afraid to cut sentences like these out! (although you should save them in a word file to spark new ideas in the future).
Good luck with editing. Let me know if you want any more input!
Always,
Brian
Sharon Liao
When death comes, realizations surface, too.
Take the comma after "surface" out.
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Recently, all too painfully, events have reminded me of one such principle that I first realized with the death of my grandmother in the 2003.
1. The comma after "recently" should be an "and": "Recently and all too painfully,...".
2. By "one such principle" do you mean the first sentence? If so, you should write "this principle".
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Her death right before junior year, a year in which many people stressed out excessively about grades, I wondered, ¿Isn¿t there more to life than this?¿
1. Since the clause before "I wondered" is dependent, you should add "After" or "Because of" to the beginning of the sentence. Another way to fix this problem would be to change "I wondered" to "caused me to wonder".
2. That phrase set off by commas is very confusing in this sentence. Perhaps you could write:
"Happening right before my already stressful junior year, her death caused me to wonder, 'Isn't there more to life than this?'"
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At the funeral, and later at the memorial service a couple months later, I heard numerous stories about the kind things my grandmother had done for other people.
The beginning of this sentence needs to be cleaned up: "At the funeral and, a couple months later, the memorial service, I heard..."
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This leads to a few problems because of the abstract nature of the epiphany.
revision:
"The abstract nature of my epiphany leads to a few problems."
also, i don't think you define the problems at this point, leaving the reader hanging.
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The means of realizing this ideal will be the basis of what I decide to do with my life.
this sentence needs to be revised to improve its clarity:
"My life decisions will center on realizing this ideal."
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Many well-meaning people have offered suggestions for occupations for me.
"suggested" is much cleaner than "offered suggestions" (either way, you would offer "suggestions of", not "for".). Revision:
Many well-meaning people have suggested occupations for me to pursue.
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Or is my purpose to find my purpose?
That sentence is logically circular. What about "Or is it my current duty to discover my future purpose?" You can change it however you would like.
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What really appeals to me is that I have a chance not only of increasing students¿ knowledge about the world around them but also to influence them and the way they perceive things.
1. appeals to you about what?
2. "chance to" not "chance of". Also, you must keep the "chance to" together, and put the "not only" after.
3. I think you could make the sentence more active and clearer.
Revision:
"Education appeals to me because it will give me the chance to not only teach students about the world around them, but also influence the way they perceive the world."
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Sharon,
To improve your paper, you should try rearranging it so that it flows better. When you began discussing your grandma again, the transition was abrupt and unanticipated. I think a more organized structure would greatly enhance what you already have.
Overall, the paper was compelling and touching. It was brave of you to incorporate such a personal subject as your grandmother's death into the paper, and the effect of doing so is powerful. Good luck with the revision! Feel free to approach me if you would like more advise.
Always,
Brian
Susan Shaffer
Susan,
I am unsure whether sleep deprivation or this sappy music filtering through my headphones contributed to the alternating feelings of joy, nostalgia, and hope I experienced while reading your paper. I was spellbound. Aw shoot, now I'm getting all choked up. Go on, Susan. Africa is waiting for you.
Just one minor suggestion:
I know with a soul deep certainty that I am the one I have been waiting for, that I can take my life and use it to make a difference.
"soul deep" should be hyphenated i think.
Also...
If they deny you from veterinary school, THEY WILL ANSWER TO MY FISTS OF FURY.
Here's to the baobab tree!
Brian
Ben Gustafsson
In the familiar words of Mirabeau B. Lamar ¿a cultivated mind is the guardian genius of democracy.¿
needs to be a comma after Lamar
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Today, ¿Education Reform¿ is one of those curious notions that emerges during election cycles, is flattered and fawned and disappears as quickly and quietly as it comes.
1. "education reform" shouldn't be capitalized.
2. comma after "fawned" please
3. personally, i would prefer, "Today, the curious notion of "education reform" emerges...". But, that's just me.
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It is a melancholy truth, that Americans treat no other virtue with as much carelessness, contempt and hypocrisy as they do education. It is a terrible irony, that this institution which receives universal praise from our congressmen and from our citizenry is the most marginalized topic in politics.
1.For goodness sake, remove that comma after "truth". And, you really should wash more frequently.
2. And the comma after "irony". HONESTLY, Ben.
3. Fortunately, those two commas are of some use! Particularly, before "which" and after "citizenry".
4. Also, take out the second "our" its outrageously clumsy.
5. These two sentences have significantly congruent structures, meaning that they are closely related. Why not join them with a conjunction? I think "and" would do nicely. Take a look at a little bit of compound-sentence magic:
It is a melancholy truth that Americans treat no other virtue with as much carelessness, contempt and hypocrisy as they do education, and a terrible irony that this institution, which receives universal praise from our congressmen and citizenry, is the most marginalized topic in politics.
It's long, but extraordinarily clear thanks to expert comma-placement.
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Incidentally, the runner-up is our soaring 8.3 trillion dollar debt, a symbol of our frivolous, gluttonous and irresponsible public spending policies.
You should write "runner-up topic" because it is unclear whether you are referring to "institution" or "topic".
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The department of agriculture, office of personnel management, veteran affairs, the department of transportation and the Social Security administration, all have significantly larger budgets then the department of education [2].
You and your commas! Take the one after "administration".
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To break down the extent of our pork barrel spending in the last decade would require volumes.
should be "Breaking down the extent...".
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Furthermore, education is primarily funded at the state level ¿ in State of Texas the level of apathy is appalling.
The hyphen in this sentence is not used correctly and doesn't clearly relate the antecedent to the first part of the sentence. You should write:
Furthermore, education, which is primarily funded at the state level, is regarded with an appalling level of apathy in the State of Texas.
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In 2003, the state of Texas spent an average of 3,255$ per student, earning the unenviable 46th ranking in the U.S.
Ranking for what? You have to let us know, even if it is sort of clear from the data provided.
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The impact of rising unemployment continues to lower living conditions in the lower socioeconomic strata¿s.
No apostrophe needed.
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Because education in the U.S. is overwhelmingly regionally funded, low income communities receive substantially inferior schooling from the kindergarten through high school. The effect is to perpetuate social disadvantages and the failure to inculcate basic civic virtues.
Just a note: you didn't really provide any evidence that education was related to these social and economic problems.
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If successful this would dramatically change the attitude towards education and learning among cultural in-groups who have traditionally deemphasized its importance.
Comma needed after "successful".
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Ben, your paper points out some compelling inadequacies in the American education system. However, I don't think that simply increasing funding is the best way to tackle the problem. Especially in low income school districts, increasing funds rarely correlates to an increase in the quality of education (although, these are certainly not popular statistics that can easily be found on Google). I think you should consider more innovative methods of improving the actual approach to and attitude about education in America.
Also, I am not sure you really discuss your personal vision in this paper. Maybe you should discuss ways you plan on personally taking action in regards to this issue.
Anush Emelianova
Subject: One truth I have found is that either option, intellectual or professional, is valuable.
Stephen Daedalus in A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man is oppressed by Catholicism.
1. the title should be italicized
2. also, isn't that somewhat of a generalization?
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One truth I have found is that either option, intellectual or professional, is valuable.
I think you should use hyphens instead of commas. After "either option", the comma appears to be setting up a list of terms, following "option". The hypens would prevent this slight confusion.
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Hey Anush,
That was an extremely solid paper in both content and style. I feel, however, that you make a few generalizations and leaps about what "freedom" means in these different contexts. For example, the Christian idea of freedom is somewhat more complex than simple freedom from sin. It implies a freedom to fulfill one's purpose, which for a Christian is to know, love, and serve God (the "truth"). Purity, then, is basically a side-effect of this freedom.
For this learning record, perhaps you should try to define your purpose to some degree. You certainly have the basic freedom to do a lot of things in your life. But, these things don't always leave you with the greatest freedom to fulfill your purpose.
Always,
Brian
Rachel Sibley
Subject: Society is investing in my education, under the assumption that there will be some sort of return.
Rachel, the wise,
You are so wise, and I know you have all of the answers. So, I guess I was a bit disappointed when you questioned and explored for so much of your paper. I think you should go about more concretely defining a vision. Although, I think the questioning and exploring was certainly valid and awesome.
Much Love,
Brian
Some revisions:
Society is investing in my education, under the assumption that there will be some sort of return.
1. This could be written more actively. 2. I think "under" is incorrect preposition usage and should be "with". 3. the comma doesn't need to be there. 4. Below is my suggestion.
Society invests in my eduction with the assumption of some sort of return.
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It seems to me that this responsibility falls all the more heavily to plan II students, who allegedly receive the best undergraduate liberal arts education the university has to offer.
1. "all the more" is excessive when "more" will suffice. It's also a big stylistic no-no.
2. "education" should be "educations"
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Moreover, this is not the first time I have felt privileged in my education.
try "educationally privileged". Sorry, I'm on a mission to exterminate every last preposition on the planet. No, really. Just don't count that last sentence.
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Eleanore Knox
Subject: I haven¿t made straight A¿s since recess was listed on the report card.
It was compassion and respect. But more importantly, it was compassion and respect for people who were so vulnerable, who by society¿s standards were useless.
1. I think you should write "I heard compassion and respect." "It was.." is too dull.
2. The end of the second sentence, "...who were so vulnerable, who by society's standards were useless." Isn't properly joined with that comma. Try revising it like this:
"...who were so vulnerable and considered useless by society's standards."
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I haven¿t made straight A¿s since recess was listed on the report card.
Do you mean, "I haven't made straight A's since 'recess' stopped appearing on the report card."
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Eleanore,
I think your paper is excellent, in both style and content. Your writing is very clear and coherent. I particularly liked how your connection to Louisianna shines through in this paper. The writing is really down to earth, but definitely soars at times, particularly when describing your mother's interactions with her patients.
Since I HAVE to give you a suggestion, you might consider discussing how your approach to the medical field affects other areas of your life. However, I think your paper feels complete as is: a truly inspiring approach and attitude towards life.
Always,
Brian
Meagan Hughes
Subject: The business school takes amazing measures to allow students to learn about the different options in different fields as well as what steps students can be taking now to reach their career goals.
My roommate gave me a present the first week of school that she had found when she went off to explore the campus for the first time.
To improve the structure of this sentence, you should place "The first week of school" at the beginning, so that you don't separate the adjective-clause from the subject.
During the first week of college, my roommate gave me a present that she had found while exploring campus for the first time.
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I believe that I have used my time at the University of Texas thus far exemplifying what Dean exclaimed.
The mischievous "thus far" intrudes upon this sentence. Fortunately, you don't even need the little bugger, since the phrase is implied by the verb tense you use.
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I have learned, loved, and lived as much as I can, and at the same time I have developed dreams and concrete goals for the future.
This is really picky, but i think you should revise this sentence like this:
I have learned, loved, and lived as much as I can and, at the same time, have developed dreams and concrete goals for the future.
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I think that one of the most meaningful things that I have done this year was meditating at Waller Creek.
1. "I think that" is unnecessary. We know this paper is about what you think.
2. "meditating" should be "meditate" to agree with "done"
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The business school takes amazing measures to allow students to learn about the different options in different fields as well as what steps students can be taking now to reach their career goals.
1. "to allow students to learn" = "to teach students"
2. "options" implies that there are different options. Therefore, drop the "different" before options.
3. what kind of options? write "career options"
4. instead of "as well as", use "and". Its more elegant.
5. take out "be taking" and add "take"
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I have realized that eventually I want to create my own actuarial consulting firm. Thus, I can use my math abilities to solve other business¿s problems and at the same time incorporate aspects of finance, managerial business, and probably marketing. I want to be independent yet still work amongst people on a team.
1. As is, "eventually" modifies "I want", implying that at some time in the future, you will want to create your own firm. Unfortunately, this sentence implies that you never get your idea off the ground. Change it to this:
"I have realized that I want to eventually create my own actuarial consulting firm."
2. "thus" isn't the right word here. But, I think we might take it out altogether soon.
3. "amongst" is usually "among" for americans, at least. "among" is also less of a mouth full.
4. When you write "working among people on a team" you don't really imply that YOU are on the team. Look at my revision to see how to change this situation.
5. "incorporate aspects of finance, managerial business, and probably marketing" is a goal that includes "use my math abilities...problems". I think a restructure is in order:
I have realized that I want to eventually create my own actuarial consulting firm, which would incorporate aspects of finance, managerial business, and probably marketing into my career. This way, I can use my math abilities to solve other business¿s problems and realize my dream of being independent yet still working with a team of people.
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I have found that the one thing that inspires me everyday is that I pursue everything I love.
"I have found that" is an excessive phrase. You should try to get rid of these kind of phrases.
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Thus, I believe that limiting one¿s participation to one thing prevents that person from being able to learn all that they can about themselves.
"thing" is ambiguous. Try to get rid of a lot of "thing"s.
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Hey Meagan,
Your paper was good. I made a few suggestions about grammatical things you can do to fix the paper such as define what "thing"s are and eliminate excessive phrases. As a more general suggestion, I think you should explore the idea of living for something greater than the ego. I think there are so many ways you can incorporate that idea into your future goals. In fact, I'm sure you already have. But, you should try to get that idea out on paper.
Always,
Brian
Noel Wells
Subject: It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?
It¿s the general consensus that any aspiring actor or actress is driven by one thing: their desire for attention.
"their" should be "he or she". You can avoid this by simply replacing it with "the".
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It¿s hard to place my finger on the exact catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, but was I, an ¿acting machine,¿ no different?
Maybe something like this would more clearly relate this sentence to the last:
It's hard to say whether my desire for attention was the catalyst that sparked all my future ambitions, ...
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Entertain is key because as I went through the various stages of childhood, I learned how to use entertainment to my advantage.
Entertain should be in quotes.
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I loved making the teacher¿s laugh and having my friends beg for more as I made funny faces and did impersonations.
I think this revision makes the sentence more punchy (also, the apostrophe doesn't need to be there):
I loved making the teachers laugh and my friends beg for more of my funny faces and impersonations.
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And as the years went on and I was moved from school to school, the ability to entertain helped the painful transition and was sure to win some friends.
As the years went on and I moved from school to school, my ability to entertain assuaged the painful transitions and was sure to win some friends.
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I completely respected the process, and though I could learn the skills and execute them well, I had no depth of vision and wasn¿t really dedicated or driven by set design or backstage work.
The "and though" does not relate the two parts of the sentence clearly. I think it should be "but although"
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There is a vision that the designer has, and true talent comes in the ability to articulate this vision into a garment.
I don't think "articulate" works. Try "transform". "Sew" might be good too.
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Good paper, Noel. I hope you start a media-revolution! I think the paper could be made a bit more concise in order to make a few of your points more powerful, particularly at the beginning. But, thats just my opinion.
Break a leg!
Brian